Being subtle is not my forte when it comes to dishing on ridiculous beauty products. Real rose quartz rollers? Just keep your money. Snail extract serum for flawless skin? That’s so been there, done that.
So what are the signs that justify a ludicrous (read: unnecessary) beauty product? A) an extra product no one asked for, B) close to zero evidence towards the product’s big claims or C) plain ol’ offensive marketing. Cue a massive groan. Hey… but maybe you’ll find a beauty invention that actually works for you which you never realised you needed before. You know, like a mask for your tits.
Intrigued, we set out within the beauty industry to deliver on the most recent and (possibly) absurd of the lot, all while questioning their validity to give them our coins. Consider us confused, offended and so over it.
TWO LIPS Blackout Activated Charcoal Mask
Item: Two L(i)ps Blackout Activated Charcoal Mask, $28
What it does: It soothes, detoxifies, brightens and moisturises the vulva.
What we say: Beauty industry: How much do you want to prey on the insecurities of women? Two Lips: Yes.
“We’re not all made for being widely accepted to society’s “taboo” topics — if we were, the world might just be a better place. Why not? There’s no shame in talking about vaginal health or periods. We are, however, more aware of forced societal constructs we’ve been blindly accustomed to. To which I say, rise above them.
When I was introduced to this mask (targeted for brightening and moisturising the vulva) at my old job, consider 23-year-old me intrigued and impressed that the conversation of intimate self-care was finally brought to light. I even wrote a review on my experience and went through the whole pack of 5 as I enjoyed the concept of having a weekly spa treatment for my lady bits. Chafing is real. But for many women who have never found anything wrong with the appearance of their vagina/vulva, myself included, I have to admit I felt rather
attacked overwhelmed by Two Lips… and their marketing department.
I’m not sure what pushed me over the edge, the illustrations depicting my current Brazillian area as a dead rose or their narrative of the need to “beautify” my private area as heavily enforced by the countless chick flicks and porn. Both? Both. And while it didn’t quite live up to its claim of brightening (let’s be real; besides ipl spot treatment, what does?), I didn’t see the need to continue the maintenance. Did I feel refreshed? Definitely. Did I feel offended? You bet.”— Sinead Lee, Writer
XBOX Body Wash
Item: Xbox Body Wash (Launching soon)
What it does: A line of body wash, shower gel, and deodorant that “powers up” gamers.
What we say: On a good day, it’s clever branding. On a bad day, it’s a pretty dull-witted beauty product that looks like it reeks of cleaning detergent. Marketed at gamers (and inspired by them), these products promise to elevate one’s passion and gaming skill through its scent of pulsing green citrus. What’s the opposite of a gaming victim? Those words have yet to be invented.
“As if bed hair, tan from the monitor glow isn’t enough to mark you as a gamer. Now you need to smell like one… though in a nice scent of kaffir lime and winter lemon. I get it if it’s an energy drink to help you focus during your gaming session, but a shower gel? Am I suppose to rekt my opponents after a shower or something?”— Nick Oh, Writer
LUSH Shower Bomb
Item: Lush Shower Bomb, $6
What it does: An essential oil-infused body wash to be used in the shower.
What we say: Have you tried their shower bomb? It is basically their bath bombs just marketed smaller for shower use. Chances are, with its compact size, it’ll fizzle away faster than you can apply it to your entire body. The claim of its aromatic scent, however, proved to be no understatement.
“Everyone loves a LUSH bath bomb, so when they came up with a Shower version of it, it felt like a godsend! A luxurious spa experience AND the practicality of a nice, steamy shower? Yes, please! The idea is that you run one of these under the shower, where it would then start fizzing up and creating a foamy lather — let’s just say it works better as just an idea.
I couldn’t relax at all! Once it started to fizz, lots of the product started disintegrating, then running out of my palms and down the drain. Am I doing something wrong?! At this point, I was trying to salvage as much as I could. Maximum use: one wash. The formulas itself worked great — it did make my bathroom smell really good after, while it’s even moisturising on the skin — but I simply can’t get over the waste of product.”— Amelia Tan, Deputy Editor
SUPERGOOP Hair Scalp Powder
Item: Supergoop Poof Part Powder, $50
What it does: A UV protection spray for your hair and scalp.
What we say: The latest innovation from Supergoop, this SPF product has a non-greasy texture that promises to keep your scalps sunburn-free, simply drying down to a translucent powder form after application. Consumers have even reported that it lives up to its protective claim with its formula of vitamin C and silica — helping those with skin cancer and the ones dealing with thinning hair.
We’re really not lying when we say we’ve secretly hoped for a product like this. That feeling when those sizzling orange flames in the sky are blasting down on you and your head feels like its burning. Not a fan. Delivery-wise, this product didn’t exactly spray out as depicted; it mainly clumped out together in the same spot.
“At first thought, it might seem unnecessary but after considering how much sun we’re exposed to, any sort of protection we can get our hands on is reason enough for us to avoid any sort of sunburn. But when I came across the Supergoop! sunscreen, I was a little hesitant about what effect it had on my scalp. No lie — there wasn’t much of a difference. In fact, it just felt like dry shampoo. Maybe I don’t experience any sort of sunburn on my scalp, so I’m not sure how far it ranks in terms of effectiveness. Sure, it’s worth giving it a try if you’re always out in the sun, but truthfully speaking, I just don’t feel like it’s entirely worth investing in one.”— Shazrina, Writer
ANESE Calm Your Tits Mask
Item: Calm Your Tits Boob Mask, USD$34
What it does: A nourishing mask for your boobs that promises to firm, lift and soften.
What we say: Has Anese bestowed upon us tit miracle workers, or is it some feminist marketing at work with their “snap photos wearing your boob mask and post to IG” statement?
While we see nothing wrong with beauty products that make us feel better about ourselves (we have blemishing cream for our face so why not for other parts of our bodies?), promoting airbrushed skin as a necessity should have a company reassessing their own self-worth. Could they be forcing the line that a woman’s breast has to be glowing and youthful-looking and is such their responsibility to maintain it? Thumbs down. The main issue we are 100% sceptic about is their claim to make your breasts perky with continued use. Unless you wield some Benjamin Button DNA, we say readjust your expectations immediately.
“It’s a mask for your boobs. Why anyone would feel the need to mask their boobs is beyond me, but the instructions also tell you to “Snap photos wearing your boob mask and post to IG while it dries.” So I don’t really know how I feel about that.”— Natalie Tan, Editorial Intern
M.A.C Rollerwheel Liquid Liner
Item: M.A.C Rollerwheel Liquid Liner, $36
What it does: A precision eyeliner with a thin round wheel.
What we say: Troubling on some levels, another hyped up yet major fail invention within the beauty community.
This “pizza cutter” eyeliner claims to give you a continuous, smooth, even stroke of colour with the help of their spinning disk applicator. We’ve seen it in action, and we can tell you firsthand that it has many mixed reactions amongst complaints. Brands like Revlon and Nudestix also followed suit with their own versions, however, we believe they have been discontinued as there is currently no beauty platforms housing the product.
“I was genuinely excited while holding the product in my hand, but on my first roll, I went way past where I usually draw my line without meaning to. It was also rather difficult to navigate the curvature of my eyelid too, since the wheel favours straight lines. The good thing though is that a wing tip was slightly easier to achieve (create a triangle at the edge of your eye), and it does create a dark, intense black.
Still, I cleaned off the edges and started again, but because I took so long, the liquid had already dried on my wheel and went on patchy and flaky. Sigh, that’s another redo… I then scrambled for an instruction manual of some sort, then thought, hey, why does an eyeliner need to come with instructions? That’s a clear sign the product isn’t as intuitive as beauty bloggers have lauded it to be. I’m supposed to feel confident, not doubt my mastery of makeup.”— Amelia Tan, Deputy Editor
Check out our full review here.